


Wanting was enough.

by Aurigureyder



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Angst, Bad Dirty Talk, Based on a Taylor Swift Song, Explicit Language, Fluff and Angst, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Modern AU, Not so jerk Thomas Jefferson, Sad Alexander Hamilton, Why Did I Write This?, i don't feel comfortable writing smut so it is implied, spanish speaker alexander, this is what happens when i listen to taylor swift
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-27
Updated: 2020-10-20
Packaged: 2021-03-06 03:34:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,458
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25556686
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aurigureyder/pseuds/Aurigureyder
Summary: Thomas Jefferson runs into a not-so-drunk Alexander Hamilton.That's the first time he's more and less nice to him.OrAlexander can't get over losing John and Thomas just happens to be there.
Relationships: Alexander Hamilton/John Laurens (past), Alexander Hamilton/Thomas Jefferson
Comments: 2
Kudos: 77





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I needed to write something angsty and I chose the most likely to be an angsty pairing I had in mind.  
> This are the portrayals of musical Hamilton and the result of me listening to Taylor Swift three days straight.  
> Small references to August and Illicit affairs, seriously, listen her album.  
> Small reference to Brooklyn 99.

Thomas Jefferson was aware that the man he was about to approach most likely -definetively- hated him. Nonetheless, due to that rivalry they had, he noticed that Alexander Hamilton was off today. Not that he cared at all, it was just weird and he just happened to found him drinking in a bar. 

"Hey". He said as he took a seat next to the shorter man.

Alexander didn't looked at him and drank from the glass he was still holding.

"What do you want, Jefferson?" The dark-haired answered, he already seemed annoyed by the taller man's presence.

Thomas was trying not to insult him just because Alexander's eyes looked red, he had probably been crying.

"You've been weird". He simply said. "Not that you are normal but you didn't insult me today so I worried".

"And you followed me because I didn't insult you?" Alexander finally looked at him, surprised. "It seems to me that the weird one is you, creep". 

"I didn't follow you, I just had the bad luck of running to you here of all places". Jefferson chuckled. Alexander just sighed, looking again at his glass, eyes filled with tears. 

Thomas wasn't sure of what to do, he wasn't good with people crying. So he just stare at him, and he noticed for the first time that Alexander had a golden ring round his finger. They've been working together for almost a year and it was the first time he noticed the shorter man was married. In fact, he wasn't even sure about this man's sexuality, they didn't talk about personal life in their office, they just... argued about politics and work, not ever had he asked about his life off-office. They didn't have that kind of relationship, though.

"Are you married?" He asked without thinking about it. Hamilton shrugged.

"Not anymore". Alexander just wave his hand at the bartender and she placed another drink in front of him.

"Oh". Thomas suddenly felt unconfortable, what should he do? He didn't want to force the other man to talk about his past relationship if he didn't want to. Which would be completely understandable, they didn't get along. But something inside needed to keep the conversation going. "Are you...?"

He wasn't able to finish the question, Alexander cut him.

"He's dead". Jefferson felt a knot in his throat, it was something he didn't want to know. 

Alexander, on the other hand, didn't know why he was telling this to the person he despised the most on the universe. Perhaps it was the alcohol but he just couldn't seem to stop talking. 

"Today would be our third aniversary and I just... " He cut himself, he was crying again. God, he missed John so much. He missed his hair, his freckles, his smile... 

Thomas felt pity for him, Hamilton had that obnoxious personality, he wouldn't have imagined Alexander have gone through such a tragedy. He simply placed his hand on the shorter man shoulder, trying to confort him. 

"It's okay". Jefferson said after a minute or two, he felt how the other man avoided his gaze. "You can cry if you want to, I won't mock you for it. I know you think I'm a jerk but I won't cross that line even for you". 

"That's... that's unusually kind of you". For the first time that day, Alexander smiled; it was a small, sad smile but there it was. "Thank you".

"Don't get used to it". 

Them both laughed, it felt kinda weird but that little change in their relationship wasn't something bad.

*

The next time they met on the office, none of them knew how to approach the other. Thomas hadn't forgotten the vulnerable look on the shorter man's eyes, he couldn't help but feel different about him. Alexander, on the other hand, wanted to forget he showed a part of him only John had seen to the most annoying person on Earth; so he had been avoiding Thomas Jefferson the whole week. 

But unfortunally, here they were again, together in the same room for the first time since that night. 

Thomas's eyes followed Alexander through the small room until he sat again on his desk. 

"Why are you looking at me like that?" Alexander spoke a bit annoyed. Jefferson was being creepy.

"I..." He wanted to say something yet his brain couldn't form words. "How are you?"

"Don't". Alexander answered dryly. "You and I don't have that kind of relationship. So cut the bullshit, I know you may feel like you have to but we can perfectly pretend nothing happened that night. So don't act like you care, because I know you don't".

Alexander's words took him by surprise, he was used to the smaller man's bad temper but he had wished that somehow his actitude would change a little. 

"You know what, you make really difficult to be nice to you". Jefferson stood up and walked towards the other man's desk. 

"Then don't be, I don't need your pity" Alexander stood up too, looking at the taller man's eyes. "I have friends to count on".

"Where were they the other night then?"

"Not your problem".

"I am not your punching bag".

"No, you are a scumbag, which is different".

"Fuck you".

"Jerk". Alexander muttered as Jefferson left the room, pretending he hadn't had heard the disappointed tone in his voice. It was better this way, he didn't want to change the way he looked at Jefferson. Yes, he had been a dick with the man that conforted him but he didn't want to let him get more into his life. 

Thomas didn't comeback to their office for an hour or so. And when he did, he completely ignored the other man's presence, which was totally fine. It was something they were used to; however, this silence was different for Alexander. 

He didn't want to admit it but there was a small posibility that he had hurt Jefferson after he conforted him when he needed. Alexander could think the other man was a lot nicer when he didn't open his mouth to talk shit but it didn't make sense.

Alexander wanted to say something when he noticed the other man cleaning his desk and leaving with a box. _What the fuck?_ He thought, he couldn't have resigned, could he?

*

Alexander didn't find out until the following monday when he got to the office and saw a girl on Jefferson's desk. 

He probably had been staring at her for too long because she smiled at him a bit embarrased. 

"Good morning, mr. Hamilton, I presume". She walked towards him to shake his hand. "I'm Maria Reynolds". 

"Nice to meet you, Miss Reynolds". He smiled at her, it was a really pretty woman. Yet, her presence didn't answer the question he had had in mind. "Pardon me, do you happen to know what happened to mr. Jefferson?"

She went back to -now- her desk and kept organizing it. 

"Oh, Thomas begged me to change office with him; well, he begged mr. Washington, he said that if I agreed then we could change places, so we did. Anyways, he said he didn't stand you and that your mere existence was annoying and _how was the word he used_... oh yeah, that he couldn't concentrate when you were close". She answered naturally, then she realized that probably she had said way too much. "I didn't mean to offend you".

"You didn't, he's right. We can't stand each other". 

Alexander felt a bit better knowing that Jefferson hadn't resigned, yet he was still uneasy with that situation. A couple of weeks have gone without seeing the other man, Maria's presence was a lot better, the office smelled like lavender and she usually listened to nice music he didn't know. She was witty and funny... Then why was he missing Thomas fucking Jefferson?

One friday he decided he needed to see motherfucking Thomas. 

"Excuse me". He tried to catch the woman's attention over the voice of Taylor Swift which has been playing on repeat since her new album came out. _She's the best!_ Had said Maria. 

"Could you tell me where was your previous office? I think Jefferson took something mine by mistake".

That was the worst lie he ever had said but he couldn't think of anything better, luckily for him, Maria didn't care. He walked on the direction the girl pointed, it was at the other side of the building. _What the fuck..._

He knocked once. 

Twice.

Three times.

"Come on in". Jefferson's voice sounded different than usual, maybe a bit more robotic. 

Thomas let aside what he was doing and looked at the visitor, he sighed.

"If you came all this way to insult me, do it quickly and leave. I got a lot of work to do". Jefferson pointed the door, taking his pencil again to start writing. 

"Last time I didn't insult you, you followed me to a bar".

"I didn't follow you, now leave". 

"Don't be petty".

"If you haven't noticed, I changed office because I'm tired of your ugly-ass face".

"You sure are".

"What the fuck do you want?" He looked at Alexander, eyebrows up. 

Hamilton didn't answer, instead he leaned over the other man's desk and kissed him on the lips to his own surprise and Jefferson's. Inmediate regret filled Alexander's body, Thomas was going to kick his ass... except that the other man was kissing him back. 

Jefferson's hand grabbed Alexander's neck with a such delicacy that it was impossible to say that this was the same man who had made his life a living hell for the last ten months. Yet he was. Neither of them knew how long they have been kissing when they finally broke apart for some air, it felt so wrong and so right at the same time... Alexander hadn't felt this way since his beloved John had left him. He promised himself he would never touch another person the way he used to touch John; however, here he was, leaning over and over for short kisses, bitting Thomas' lips. Longing for more than just his lips.

"Alexander". It was the first time the other man had used his first name, and the sound of his voice at pronouncing it made Hamilton want more of him. So Thomas was talking between desperate pecks. "Alexander... we need to get back to... _fuck_."

Thomas stop talking for a moment to push Alexander away, his hands carissing Hamilton's cheeks as he looked at his eyes. Have his eyes always been this beautiful? 

"Let's meet after work to talk about this". Jefferson kissed him one last time. "Now go, dumbass".

*

The hours seemed to go slower since that morning, what the hell have he done? He didn't like Thomas Jefferson at all and he was waiting the day to end just to talk with him... TO TALK ABOUT WHAT?. He was just being an idiot, God. What should he do? 

"Tom-Tom!" Maria greeted the man who just entered the office as she was leaving. "Hello and goodbye, gotta go. Have a nice weekend! You too, mr. Hamilton" 

Alexander just nodded and looked at Thomas. He stood up, they were once again alone.

Thomas grabbed Alexander's waist, closing the space between them. This time it was him who leaned over but he didn't kiss the smaller man. 

"You and I have unfinished bussiness".

"I guess we do". Alexander answered, placing his hand on Jefferson's chest. "Let's go somewhere nobody can see us". 

Thomas found this request a bit strange but he didn't argue, Alexander followed him to his car. 

"Where are we going?" Alexander asked when the other man started driving.

"You don't want anyone watching us, so I figured to take you to my place". Thomas didn't look at him but Alexander could swear he saw a soft red in his dark cheeks. "We are going to talk, Alexander".

"Didn't know we were on first name terms, Thomas".

"Well, I didn't know we were on desperate kisses terms either but I'm not complaining". 

"Because you liked it".

"And you don't like me saying your name?"

They laughed, Thomas' laugh was kinda funny. Alexander hadn't noticed that before but it was the first time they relax together. 

They didn't talk again until they arrived to Jefferson's appartment. It was nice and clean, Alexander wasn't expecting to see so many bookshelfs but it made sense. Thomas may be an arrogant prick but he sure is quite intelligent too.

"Take a seat, want something to drink?"

Alexander shook his head as he sat, Thomas sat next to him. Now, what do they have to say to each other?

"So..." Alexander tried to start the awkward conversation.

"So?"

"We kissed".

"Yeah. We did". Thomas laughed nerviously, looking away from Alexander. He was discovering new aspects of this arrogant beautiful fluffy-haired monster and he lowkey liked it. "You kissed me like it was the end of the world... why?".

"I don't know". Alexander shrugged. "Why did you kissed me back?"

"I've been wanting to shut your mouth like that ever since the first time I saw you". Jefferson said sincerely, he placed his hand on Alexander's thigh. "Don't get me wrong, you are a dick but I kinda dig it".

"You are so fucking weird". Alexander laughed, if someone had told him that one day he would be joking and laughing with Thomas Jefferson after kissing him, he would have thought that person was crazy. Yet they were, in fact, laughing as if they were long time friends.

Thomas caressed Alexander's thigh before leaning in to kiss him again. This time it was different, it wasn't a desperate kiss like the one they shared that morning; it was slow and delicate. Alexander was melting under his touch, every thought disappear from his mind as his body was being laid on the couch. 

His hands found their way to Jefferson's hair. It was as fluffy and soft as he thought it would be. Thomas gently cupped Alexander's cheeks, the black-haired man licked Jefferson's lower lip before dipping his tongue into Thomas' mouth. This action made the taller man lose control and Alexander noticed it not only for the evident erection, but because his hands had stopped the delicate touch on his cheeks and were now trying to keep their bodies as close as posible; lips kissing Alex's neck. 

Alex moaned softly, the other man's touch was like fire. He wanted to let him consume every inch of his body but something in the back of his mind was telling him that it wasn't right. 

"Thomas..." He whispered trying to gain his reason back, God it was so difficult with the other guy touching him like this. "Thomas... please stop".

"Please stop". He repeated, meeting Jefferson's eyes. His hair was messier than usual, he was beautiful. "This isn't right".

"Why not?"

Alexander didn't know how to answer that question. Why was it not right? Technically the both of them were single and apparently liked each other. It was true that usually went for each other's throats when it came to work but not once they had talked about their private lifes. 

Thomas sighed, he just got up and went to the kitchen. When he came back, Alexander was straightening his clothes, getting ready to leave. 

"May I ask you a question?" Jefferson asked, giving him a glass of water. Alexander nodded.

"How long has it been?"

"A year and a half". Alexander drank from his glass, he sat on the couch once again. Thomas just looked at him, he was already a widower when they met. "We met the first year of university, we became boyfriends shortly after that. We got married two years after we finished university, and he was killed about a year later".

Jefferson wasn't sure he understood the pain the black-haired man was going through because he hadn't actually loved someone that much. But he wasn't going to push the things between them so if Alexander wanted to leave, he was free to go.

"Want me to drive you home?" He asked, hoping he hadn't had sound that harsh. 

"Don't worry, I can call an uber".

"Bullshit, I'll drive you". Thomas took his keys and walked towards the door. 

What should they do about all that mess? Thomas wanted to go back to the insults and forget about how good Alexander's mouth felt and at the same time, he wanted to bang him against the wall and make him forget his own name. Vulnerable, silent Alexander was not something he expected to see someday and yet that man was by his side. 

*

Thomas watched him leave the car and going inside a building. He stayed there for about an hour. He felt a little bit lost, his mind kept going from Alexander's kisses to his story; little did he know that Alexander was watching him from his window.

 _Why the fuck was still there?_ It was a question neither of them could answer, and it almost gave Jefferson a heart attack when Alexander sat by his side again.

"What... do you want to kill me?! What's your fucking problem?!" Thomas yelled as Hamilton laughed.

"Why are you still here?"

"I don't know".

"Did I get into your head?"

"Apparently, I fucking hate you". Thomas glared at him, he seemed pissed.

"Really? Your dick told me otherwise earlier" Alexander teased him, leaning over his shoulder.

"Don't". Thomas pushed him away. "I'm not your toy so get your shit together and when you decide what you want to do, come and find me". 

"What do you mean?

"What I just said. We can fuck if you want or be just frenemies or straight up stop seeing each other. But decide what you want to do because you can't come and kiss me and then go leaving a mess". 

"You are overreacting, I just kissed you once". 

"I know where I have my head". Jefferson cupped his cheek and smiled a little. "I know what I want to do with and to you but apparently you don't so leave my car and get your shit together".

*

Another week went by until Thomas and Alexander could speak again. He seemed to look for him only on fridays, why was that? He would have been lying if he said that he hadn't been expecting Alexander since that day, but he wasn't going to show that to him. Anyways, Alexander was waiting for him outside his car.

Thomas just look at him, opening the car, both men got inside.

"So?" 

"I've think about it". Alexander answered as Thomas drove. "And I want us to be something".

 _Us_ that small word sounded so promising, so unreal... would that be enough? If that word faded then it would be a catastrophy for Thomas. For him wanting and hoping was enough because he knew Alexander hated him and he just fueled that hatred because it was better than nothing. And now they stood on unexplored territory, it was scary.

"What do you mean _something_?"

"We can see where does this go".

"Okay". Thomas smiled a little. He stole a kiss from his lips on a red light. "What do we do now?"

"We can go to your place and finish what we were doing the other day. I haven't stop thinking about it since you kicked me out of your car the other day".

"You had it coming, asshole". Jefferson answered annoyed, Hamilton just laughed. 

*

Next thing they knew was that Jefferson was struggling between his keys and clingy Alexander.

Once they were inside the appartment, Jefferson cornered Alexander against the wall and kissed him. God knew it was marvelous, the shorter man was so demanding. His tongue against Alexander's was something he had been needing for the past week. 

Thomas' hands traveled through the other man's body until he reached his thighs, so he lifted him up and walked towards his room. He placed Alex's body over his bed with such delicacy and gave himself the time to stare at him, his fantasies were so far from how beautiful he could look. 

One botton at time he opened the other man's shirt, worshiping every inch of skin with a kiss, neither him, nor Alexander wanted rough sex this first time. One by one the clothes started to abandon their bodies, yet there was something on Thomas' mind.

He took Alexander's hand and saw the wedding band. Hamilton's heart stop for a moment, thinking that Thomas would make him leave. But he didn't. Insead, he kissed his knuckles before taking out the ring and placing it carefully on his night table.

Alexander felt naked without the ring. He had no clothes on but without the band, he felt different. He didn't say anything about it, though. He just made Thomas lean in and kissed him again. 

It has been a long time since Alexander had been with someone, and with Thomas was just... could he said perfect? He had never imagined he could be so careful and delicate. The way he touched his body, how he moved, how he kissed, how his voice sounded softer... 

_Why this man was making him feel like this?_

So wrong, yet so right. He was way more different than Alex had thought, he was a soft asshole.

"What's on your mind?" Thomas asked as he caressed Alex's hair.

"You are a softie". Alex looked at him grinning. 

"You liked it, though baby".

"Don't call me baby, you were so fucking good". Alexander admited, kissing his nose. "Why did you took off my ring?"

"Because when I look at it, it feels like I'm taking other man's man". He shrugged. It didn't matter how he said it, it was going to sound bad and maybe offensive but at least he was going to be honest with the man he was falling for. "To respect your husband, I guess". 

"This... "

"If you are going to say that is wrong please leave and don't come back again". Thomas got up and went to the bathroom, feeling like crying but not wanting to show his vulnerable side to Alexander. 

When he came out of it, Alexander wasn't around anymore. The only sign of the other man being there was the whole mess that was his bed. He laid there, it still smelled like Alexander and he couldn't help the tears falling down his cheeks. He slipped away... _He will never be mine,_ Thomas thought.

*

It was 3 am when the hard knocks on his door woke Alexander up. _What the hell_... A very drunk Thomas Jefferson was outside his home.

"Thomas, what the fuck?" Alexander was worried, the taller man could barely stay up, he looked like a mess. 

At the moment the taller man saw Alexander, he hugged him, hiding his face on Alexander's shoulder.

"I don't know". Thomas laughed between tears. "Don't know how I got here. But here I am". 

Alex didn't know if it was the surprise or the tireness but his reactions were slower than usual, he just patted the taller man's back. 

"How much did you drink, Thomas?"

"Did I drink?" He teased, hugging him tighter. 

"Come on in" Alexander sighed, trying to get Jefferson inside his house. 

"No". The other man said. "Just kick me out of here".

"Don't be an idiot, I won't kick you out in that state. Now get inside". 

Alexander pushed him with all his strenght, how could he be so stubborn in that state? 

"I want to kiss you". Thomas pouted as Alexander made him sat on the couch. "I want to kiss you and I want to fuck you".

"You are drunk, Thomas". Alexander sighed again, he went to the kitchen to prepare a coffee for the other man. 

"Why don't you listen to me?" Thomas cried, Alexander came back and placed the cup of coffee on his hands. 

"Thomas, you are talking nonsense. Now drink your goddamn coffee". 

Jefferson didn't argue again and drank the coffee. He wasn't looking at Alexander, his eyes were fixed on a photography in front of them. It was a beautiful picture of two men, then it hit him. It was the picture of Alexander and John's wedding.

"I'm going home, thank you for the coffee".

Alexander took Thomas' hand before this one could walk towards the door. 

"I won't let you go, listen to me. In the state you are is dangerous, something could happen to you".

"Let me go". Jefferson was trying to make sense, he wasn't even sure why he was making a fool of himself right in front of the man who despised him the most.

"Why did you do that, Thomas?!" Alexander new it wasn't a good idea to yell at him but he was just so worried that he didn't know what else to do for him.

"Because I can't compete with your dead husband!"Thomas didn't look at him but Alexander could hear the other man crying. 

That confession made something inside of Alexander's body. He suddenly felt a enormous weigh on his stomach. He had been acting different since first time Thomas was nice to him and he didn't realize how much damage he was doing when he kept going and leaving. 

_Look at this godforsaken mess that you created, Alexander._ He told to himself.

"It's okay". He said, pushing Thomas into the sofa again. "Let's talk about it in the morning". 

All the fuss seemed to have tired the taller man because he didn't said another word and just fell asleep right there. Alexander placed a blanket over him and went to his room. 

He took his favourite picture of John and traced it with his finger as he look at it. No one could replace him ever, he knew that perfectly. He had loved John in a way he didn't think it was possible, he had imagined the rest of his life with him and then he was took away from him. He felt broken and although his friends were there, he just felt alone. All beautiful things faded when John died. 

He was so numb, he didn't felt anything until Thomas Jefferson walked into his life with his idiotic ideas and loud mouth; the man was a whole new world, and it was easy to despise him. Yet he had feelings for the fuzzy mess that was sleeping in his couch, he just didn't want to admit it. 

*

The morning arrived and the first sunrays bathed Thomas' body, his head hurted like hell and the first thing he noticed when he tried to curled himself was that he wasn't in his bed. In fact, he wasn't in a bed at all. So he forced himself to open his eyes, the light made his eyes ache but he had to know where he was; he got up looking for some sign that could tell him how the hell ended up there. He inspected the bookshelfs and took a photography... 

"Morning". Said a voice behind him, he turned around. Regret all over his body, somehow he had ended up in Alexander's apartment. "How's your head?"

"I'm fine". Thomas lied but he didn't want to be there. He placed the picture back to his place and looked around. "Sorry, I'll leave you then. Thank you for having me. Don't you happen to know where I left my car, do you?"

"No". Alexander shrugged. "You just came here drunk as fuck. And you are not leaving, we need to talk".

"It won't happen again". Thomas looked at his phone, luckily it still had some battery left. 

"I am not talking about the state you were in last night". Alexander sounded a bit more harshly than he intended but he needed Thomas to listen to him. "You could have kill yourself but that's not the point. I want to know why".

"No reason". Thomas lied again looking at Alexander's eyes. "Now we can go back to hate each other which is something you preffer, apparently". 

"Don't be a condescending bitch". 

"Yeah, that's totally me". 

"Stop being a passive-agressive asshole and let's talk like adults".

"Excuse me?" Thomas was trying so hard to build walls to deny his feelings. A couple of idiots. "I am not the one who hurts other people because he can't open to another person. I was honest with you and it bit me in the ass. So yeah, Hamilton, I am going back to where we stood before all this... affair o whatever".

" _Eres un idiota, ¿lo sabías?_ " Alexander spoke in Spanish because he still wasn't sure he wanted Jefferson to understand what he was saying. " _Eres un idiota, pero me gustas y te detesto por eso. Lo peor del caso es que aunque mi vida se volviera un infierno, no puedo imaginarla sin ti en ella; la simple idea de no ver tu estúpida cara es insoportable para mí. Así que acéptame una vez más por favor_ ".

"I know enough Spanish to understand what _idiota_ means". Thomas wasn't sure what the hell had Alexander just said, he spoke far to fast and his accent... God.

"Just stay once more". 


	2. Alexander's POV

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Same story watched through Alexander's view

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I bet you think you saw the last of me.  
> This chapter was intended to be a LOT shorter than it is but then I got inspired and wrote the whole thing again.  
> Hope you like it, I added a few things that the original one didn't have.

_The summer breeze caressed Alexander's cheeks as he walked hand in hand with his lover. They were the idealized perfect couple, the idea of what true love meant for the people that knew them._

_The landscape was weird and blurry, it was cloudy. It wasn't that the sky was filled with clouds, it was just Alexander's vision; it was as his eyes could only focus on the man walking beside him. He almost didn't notice the world slowing down as they walked on that sepia picture, almost._

_It was a an unusual day. The warmth of the season seemed to have been frozen, the sun was bright up in the sky but there was just coldness around. The sounds of other people's laughs, of other people's conversations were like a backgorund noise, tinnitus, drowned by the sound of the waves crashing on the shore._

_It was an unusual feeling. It tingled on Alexander's left hand, pins and needles moving all over his arm so fast that it was scary. They pricked hard on his chest and went down to his belly just to run up again to his throat. A knot in his throat, always there, making him wanting to cry. That's when he noticed, John wasn't holding his hand anymore._

_John wasn't near to be seen, he had just faded. Everything warm and yellow around Alexander slowly faded as well, turning into light grey._

Then he woke up. Tears in his eyes as he curled himself. It was a nightmare waking up like this, his subconscious reminding him what day it was.

John had always been in his life, Alexander felt like it was like that even if it wasn't true. Yet nothing in life is eternal but their eternity were divided in seasons: they met in autumn, became friends in winter, fell in love in spring, and he was taken on summer. 

In general, he was doing quite fine since John was gone. His life was mostly work, though, he would fight Jefferson and his stupid ideas, he would feel a bit high after their arguments sometimes. He would silently enjoy their daily bickering, he felt a bit more alive when the argument would end. And in those moments, he would swear he was alright, it just that when summer came back... he just missed John, sometimes. Alexander tried to shake that feeling, he would hang out with Lafayette and Hercules or the Schuyler sisters but when the dizziness of the alcohol and the forgetful joyness of the moment went off, he would feel as numb, angry, sick and nauseous as the day John fell out of the picture. 

He knew his friends wanted him to move on, he knew they thought he was depressed. None of them dare to mention the wedding band he still wore but he knew they looked at him with pity each time his lifted his hand. He couldn't bear them looking at him like that, he was fine. They were trying so hard with him, they were there when he died. They were there when it became a year... but he wasn't going to let them be here today. It was their day, his and John's, he rather be at some bar drinking alone.

*

It was going to be a difficult day, he couldn't forget about the dream. He still could feel the tingling in his hand as he prepared himself for work, he still felt like crying. He didn't want to fight Jefferson today. Would it be weird? Hopefully, no one would notice it.

The hours of the day didn't seem to pass fast enough until he could get out. He usually loved his job, he was a workaholic but today he just wasn't feeling like being there. _I should've called in sick_ , he thought. Alexander could feel Jefferson's stare from the other side of their office but he wasn't going to do anything about it. Maybe he was just being paranoid, he had argued with him on the meeting, tried to keep it normal but even he could feel that something was off about it. 

When the clock finally marked six, he quickly grabbed his stuff to leave. This raised more than one eyebrow on his way out, he always was the last one on the building. Yet no one dare to talk to him, not that mattered anyways because he didn't want to talk to anyone. He didn't even noticed the concerned look Thomas fucking Jefferson gave him when he walked past him. 

*

Alone at the bar he looked his hand as he drank. The alcohol burned on his way down his throat, the same way his tears burned his cheeks as he emptied his glass. He wanted to touch his wedding band but he feared it would burn as well; the didn't know how long had he been in that position when an annoying voice found him. 

"Hey" Jefferson said, Alexander just finished his drink when the man sat down. The least he wanted was to be like this in front of his enemy.

They talked, Alexander found himself confiding in Jefferson about John. He showed his vulnerable self to the man he swore he hated. Could this be something he would regret? His head was spining, everything seemed to move again when he heard Jefferson's laugh. 

Alexander was sad, not blind; he knew the guy was handsome, you can hate someone and still think they're hot, that was Thomas Jefferson. A handsome idiot with idiotic ideas but hearing and watching him laugh like that it was a completely different experience. He looked ravishing, breathtaking and Alexander hated it because Jefferson was making him think of _him_ instead of John. What was he thinking? Why had he left Jefferson see that part of him? 

His coping mechanism made him avoid and insult the guy so their relationship wouldn't take a weird turn. Easier said than done, why did he have to notice how disappointed seemed Jefferson when he insulted him as usual? 

Why did he had to miss Jefferson when he decided to put a distance between them? Was it pure guilt? He found himself wanting to watch him laugh just like that night at the bar, he wanted to touch his curls and melt in his strong arms. BUT THAT WAS FUCKING STUPID, why on Earth was he thinking about the man he despised in the way he used to think about John when he started to fall for him? 

*

A month of overthinking drove him towards Jefferson's new office. It was the first time he saw the man outside the meetings with Washington, he looked different and somehow it was devastating watching him perfectly sat with the sun shining on his back. 

"What the fuck do you want?" Thomas' voice was something between annoyed and tired. 

When Alexander saw his eyes again, every thought in his head disappeared. He was torned between running away and kiss him, so he did that to his surprise and Thomas'. The first thing he felt was fear, for a second the idea of Jefferson pushing away crossed his mind but then he was kissing him back. 

He felt the swiftness of the older man's hand on his neck to hold him a bit closer as their lips find each other again. He briefly remembered John touch and couldn't help but to compare it to Thomas'. He felt his heart beat again, for the first time since John died. He remembered his promise of never being with other person like this... and he hated himself for keep on leaning over and over Jefferson's lips, he hated himself for wanting to melt under Thomas' touch.

He felt a shiver down his spine when his first name came out of Jefferson's lips, he wanted to hear him use that name again in that breathy, needy, soft tone. He felt like crying when Thomas looked at his eyes and found that something had changed between them.

He felt fear again when he went back to his office with the taste of Thomas Jefferson still on his lips. Anxiousness filled his body, what should he do? He knew they had to talk about _that_... about _them_ but he wasn't sure what he wanted all this to go. Alexander didn't want people knowing what was going on between them because it would be a hassle, he didn't know what was going on. 

*

The ride to Thomas' place was silent and awkward after they had a laugh together -God, Thomas' laugh was so funny-, Alexander was sure that Thomas was feeling nervious as well just by looking at his body language. He lowkey liked this new face of Jefferson, this Thomas was somehow more real than the arrogant prick. 

"You kissed me like it was the end of the world... why?".

"I don't know". Alexander shrugged. "Why did you kissed me back?"

"I've been wanting to shut your mouth like that ever since the first time I saw you". Jefferson said sincerely, he placed his hand on Alexander's thigh. "Don't get me wrong, you are a dick but I kinda dig it".

"You are so fucking weird".

And then they were kissing again. Alexander was melting under Thomas touch as he was laid on the couch, his mind was drifting away again so he left his body do the talking. Soon his hands were tangled on Thomas' hair, his tongue dipping into Thomas' mouth. Thomas' hands holding him close, he could almost feel every inch of his body awakening. 

Thomas' lips on his neck were pure bliss, they were fire. Alexander was torn between letting him go on and consume him and pulling away. In a moment of clarity, he chose to stop before it was too late, something in the back of his mind was telling him that it wasn't right. "Thomas... please stop".

"Please stop". He repeated, meeting Jefferson's eyes. His hair was messier than usual, his eyes big and dark with desire, his lips swollen, he was beautiful and he was still holding Alexander's waist, caressing his sides softly which made Alexander feel a bit guilty of the words coming out of his mouth. "This isn't right".

"Why not?"

Alexander didn't know how to answer that question. Why was it not right? Technically the both of them were single and apparently liked each other. It was true that usually went for each other's throats when it came to work but not once they had talked about their private lifes but he knew it was something deeper than just that. The lingering feeling that he was being untrue to John was on the back of his mind and it hurt because how could he ever do that to him? 

He was also worried that Thomas could get hurt, at least he didn't seemed mad. He couldn't say that the older man could understand him but at least he wasn't being judgemental, surprisingly, he listened and he cared. 

*

The ride to his house was more silent and awkward than the ride to Thomas', he had that look he has when he's thinking too hard. Alexander had seen that expression when they were working and the man was only focused on trying to outsmart him. 

He looked down the window, hoping seeing Thomas before parting again but he didn't go. fifteen minutes passed and the man was still parked outside Alexander's building. From that distance, Alexander couldn't see his face but he imagined it was the same expression he had when he left the car. 

Had he got into Thomas head? 

Wait. Had Thomas got into his head? WHY WAS THIS SO MESSY? He really needed to know why Jefferson was still on the same spot for almost an hour so he went down and sat by his side again.

He couldn't help but laugh at the man when he scream like he had seen the devil. 

"Why are you still here?" He asked once they both calm again. 

"I don't know". Thomas said. Alexander didn't believe it, so he pushed a bit.

"Did I get into your head?"

"Apparently, I fucking hate you". Thomas glared at him, he seemed pissed this time. Alexander had seen him pissed before but this time it felt different, he felt at fault. After all, it had been him who had kissed Jefferson and then he had pushed him away. 

"Really? Your dick told me otherwise earlier" Alexander teased him, leaning over his shoulder. Damn him and his mouth, he mentally slapped himself for not being able to shut up for once.

"Don't". Thomas pushed him away and that hurt a little. "I'm not your toy so get your shit together and when you decide what you want to do, come and find me".

Why did that hurt? Did Thomas Jefferson have feelings for him before all this? Feelings that weren't hatred and contempt? He did say that he wanted to kiss him all this time but that didn't mean that he liked him, did it?

"What do you mean?" Alexander tried again, maybe this time he could find an answer for himself.

"What I just said. We can fuck if you want or be just frenemies or straight up stop seeing each other. But decide what you want to do because you can't come and kiss me and then go leaving a mess".

Oh... that didn't make anything easier. In fact, it messed everything up more.

"You are overreacting, I just kissed you once". _Not that I was an unwilling participant of the other kisses we shared._

"I know where I have my head". Jefferson cupped his cheek and smiled a little, _motherfucker why do you have to make everything so complicated?_ Alexander thought. "I know what I want to do with and to you but apparently you don't so leave my car and get your shit together".

*

Alexander went to his bed and looked at the ceiling. He lifted his hand and there still was his wedding band, the silent reminder of John. He sighed. 

No one would ever replace him, God how he missed his laugh, his freckles, his hair, the way he expressed his ideas, how he told him he was beautiful, how he would came to his side because he wanted to cuddle. They loved each other quietly, beneath the stars shared small kisses 'til morning light. 

He hated how empty he felt without John, how numb he was. He realised that he didn't feel like that when Thomas was around. Even when they were arguing, he would feel something that wasn't emptiness. He couldn't deny that he liked Thomas Jefferson, maybe it could be worthy to give it a try. 

> To: Laffy Taffy.
> 
> Do you think I should start dating? 
> 
> _From: Laffy Taffy._
> 
> _Oui, did you meet someone, mon petit lion?_
> 
> To: Laffy Taffy.
> 
> No, I was just curious.
> 
> _From: Laffy Taffy._
> 
> _Wanna talk about it?_
> 
> To: Laffy Taffy.
> 
> Maybe... just not now.
> 
> _From: Laffy Taffy._
> 
> _You'll tell me if there's someone, oui?_
> 
> To: Laffy Taffy.
> 
> Obviously, ttyl.
> 
> _From: Laffy Taffy._
> 
> _You know he would want you to be happy, right?_

Just that _he_ made Alexander's heart hurt a little. He didn't realized he'd been crying until a tear fell on his phone's screen. He wanted to talk about this with Lafayette, he was sure the French man would eventually find out because he was also Thomas' friend. But telling him about this implied to also open up about John and that was something he was incapable of doing... not even Eliza knew how he felt about him.

_Incoming call..._

"Hey, Laf" Alexander said trying to sound normal though he knew his voice cracked a little.

_"Mon ami, are you alright?"_

"Yes". He lied. "Yeah... I'm awesome, why?"

_"I know your voice when you've been crying don't lie to me. I'm on my way"_

He sighed. 

"...'Kay".

No longer than twenty minutes later, he had Lafayette hugging him with his maternal self mode on.

"I just really miss him". Alexander said once he calmed down. 

"I know". Lafayette caressed Alexander's hair, it hurt him to watch his friend like this. "You usually avoid talking about him, did something change?"

"I..." He bit his lip not knowing how to explain the situation to his friend. "I might have kissed Thomas".

Lafayette pushed Alexander away a little to look at him in the eyes. He was completely surprised by that.

"Thomas? As in Thomas _Jefferson_? _My_ Thomas Jefferson?"

He nodded.

" _Merde!_ " The taller man hugged him tight. "Tell me everything".

Lafayette listened to his story in silence, it was quite easy to say everything he had in mind once he began with the kiss part. His friend was understanding and comforting. 

_"He wanted you to be happy"_ Those words from Lafayette were on Alexander's mind from that night... he still didn't know what to do with Thomas, though. Would he wait for him? 

*

Two days passed and he still didn't have the courage to go to find Thomas.

Four days passed. At least now he was certain that he might like Jefferson and that he wanted to kiss him so bad.

Then a week. Now or never... he would wait for him outside his car, maybe he would kiss him, maybe. 

Thomas just look at him, opening the car, both men got inside.

"So?"

"I've thought about it". Alexander answered as Thomas drove. He took a deep breath before saying it. "And I want us to be something".

"What do you mean _something_?" Thomas looked disturbed to say the least. 

"We can see where does this go".

"Okay". Thomas smiled a little. He stole a kiss from Alexander's lips on a red light, who felt much more relaxed now.

Next thing, they were kissing passionately in Thomas' home. Alexander could feel the coldness of the wall behind him as he nibbled Thomas' lips, he could also feel how bad the older man was needing him. They were unable to keep their hands to themselves, Alexander's mind was a mess, he just gave up his control and let Jefferson guide him. They ended up in his room. 

Thomas placed Alex's body over his bed with such delicacy and gave himself the time to stare at him, Alexander could drown in those eyes. He wanted to know what was going on inside that head, he could almost see his thinking process but he had no time to ask because Thomas' lips were tracing small kisses down his body.

One by one the clothes left their bodies, it was the first time Alexander dared to be with someone after John had died... Thomas's touch was an unexpectedly nice feeling, it was tender, he worshiped every inch of bare skin under his hands. 

Their eyes met again when Thomas took Alexander's hand and saw his wedding band. Hamilton's heart stop for a moment, thinking that Thomas would make him leave. But he didn't. Insead, he kissed his knuckles before taking out the ring and placing it carefully on his night table.

Alexander felt naked without the ring. He had no clothes on but without the band, he felt different, like some sort of weight was taken from him. He didn't say anything about it, though. He just made Thomas lean in and kissed him again. 

It has been a long time since Alexander had been with someone, and with Thomas was just... could he said perfect? He had never imagined he could be so careful and delicate. The way he touched his body, how he moved, how he kissed, how his voice sounded softer... It felt so wrong and yet so right. Why was he feeling guilty again? He wanted this, he wanted Thomas and it was marvelous. 

So why was he feeling disgusted with himself? 

"What's on your mind?" Thomas asked as he caressed Alex's hair.

"You are a softie". Alex looked at him grinning, trying to shake every other thought off his head. 

"You liked it, though baby". _Baby_... He could hear on his head John calling him that and it just made worse that feeling.

"Don't call me baby". Alexander said a bit harder than he intended, he saw the hurt look Thomas gave him so he said part of what he was feeling. "You were so fucking good". He kissed Thomas' nose. 

They were in silence for a moment or two before he dared to ask.

"Why did you took off my ring?"

Thomas had a weird expression, something like resignation, maybe.

"Because when I look at it, it feels like I'm taking other man's man". The older man shrugged. "To respect your husband, I guess".

And that's what made every painful thought in his head scream at him that he was making something bad. "This... "

"If you are going to say that is wrong please leave and don't come back again". Thomas interrupted him and stood up. 

Was he going to say wrong? It felt like that but he trully wanted Thomas, he just needed to think a bit more about it.

God, this was a mess. He dressed in silence with a knot in his throat, a growing unconfortable feeling running through his veins when he took his wedding band off the night table. He looked at it for a few seconds but he didn't put it back on his finger. Then he left, hating himself a little bit more for hurting Thomas, for being unfaithful to John, for just being himself.

> *
> 
> To: Laffy Taffy.
> 
> I might fucked up. 
> 
> _From: Laffy Taffy._
> 
> _What? Why?_
> 
> To: Laffy Taffy.
> 
> I slept with him... and then left. I felt guilty, he probably hates me now.
> 
> _From: Laffy Taffy._
> 
> _Don't think he does, mon ami. Talk to him._
> 
> To: Laffy Taffy.
> 
> Maybe not now.
> 
> _From: Laffy Taffy._
> 
> _You'll have to do it eventually._

Alexander was going to reply that message from his friend but he didn't know how. He tossed and turned on his bed, he didn't notice that he had fallen asleep until he heard strong knocks on his door. He looked at the time on his phone before he walked to open up. 

_What the hell_... A very drunk Thomas Jefferson was outside his home.

"Thomas, what the fuck?" Alexander was worried, the taller man could barely stay up, he looked like a mess.

At the moment the taller man saw Alexander, he hugged him, hiding his face on Alexander's shoulder, he was crying and laughing at the same time. Alex didn't know if it was the surprise or the tireness but his reactions were slower than usual, he just patted the taller man's back. 

He tried to get the taller man inside his appartment, he was worried that something could happen to him if he let him go. But Thomas was being like a difficult child, why did he have to be this stubborn in that state? Alexander had to drag him towards his couch.

"I want to kiss you". Thomas pouted as Alexander made him sat on the couch. "I want to kiss you and I want to fuck you".

Alexander wanted to make sense of any of this and apparently Jefferson knew as well that he was just being an idiot... well, most people are when they are drunk but it was like he had a little bit of consciousness every now and then. 

The conversation they were having, it wasn't registering in Alexander's mind, he just wanted to know why Thomas would do something as stupid as _that_. 

"Why did you do that, Thomas?!" Alexander new it wasn't a good idea to yell at him but he was just so worried that he didn't know what else to do for him.

"Because I can't compete with your dead husband!"Thomas didn't look at him but Alexander could hear the other man crying.

That confession made something inside of Alexander's body. He suddenly felt a enormous weigh on his stomach. He had been acting different since first time Thomas was nice to him and he didn't realize how much damage he was doing when he kept going and leaving.

"It's okay". He said, pushing Thomas into the sofa again. "Let's talk about it in the morning".

All the fuss seemed to have tired the taller man because he didn't said another word and just fell asleep right there. Alexander placed a blanket over him and went to his room.

He took his favourite picture of John and traced it with his finger as he look at it. No one could replace him ever, he knew that perfectly. He had loved John in a way he didn't think it was possible, he had imagined the rest of his life with him and then he was took away from him. He felt broken and although his friends were there, he just felt alone. All beautiful things faded when John died. 

> To: Laffy Taffy
> 
> Do you think John would hate me?
> 
> _From: Laffy Taffy_
> 
> _He wanted you to be happy, mon ami_
> 
> To: Laffy Taffy
> 
> You keep telling me that but I look at Thomas and then I feel guilty because I think I like him
> 
> _From: Laffy Taffy_
> 
> _I knew you liked him before you did, genious_
> 
> To: Laffy Taffy
> 
> So?
> 
> _From: Laffy Taffy_
> 
> _Does he make you happy?_

Does he? The man was infuriating, a complete moron, sometimes he wanted to punch him... and sometimes he wanted to hold him close and... motherfucker. 

He barely slept but he heard noises in his living room, he had forgotten Thomas was there. The sight was a bit painful, Thomas with his messy hair, standing there as he watched the picture of John and his wedding. 

"Morning" He said. Thomas turned around, his lips barely parted, he looked so kissable. "How's your head?"

"I'm fine". Lie, he knew how sounded Thomas' voice when he lied. "Sorry, I'll leave you then. Thank you for having me. Don't you happen to know where I left my car, do you?"

"No". Alexander shrugged. "You just came here drunk as fuck. And you are not leaving, we need to talk".

"It won't happen again". Thomas looked at his phone, luckily it still had some battery left.

"I am not talking about the state you were in last night". Alexander sounded a bit more harshly than he intended but he needed Thomas to listen to him. "You could have kill yourself but that's not the point. I want to know why".

"No reason". Thomas lied again looking at Alexander's eyes. "Now we can go back to hate each other which is something you preffer, apparently".

"Don't be a condescending bitch". This wasn't how Alexander wanted the conversation to go, fuck.

. . .

"Just stay once more"

To his surprise, Thomas didn't move. So he jumped into the taller man's arms, and hid his face in his chest. Them both sighed; Thomas held him close, kissing his temple.

"You don't have to compete against John, Thomas". Alexander said tightening his grip. In that position, he could felt Thomas' heartbeat going faster. "He was unique, he was my everything, and he's gone. I know no one will ever replace him. And I don't want you to replace him, I just want you to be with me. Just do that, just stay with me". 

"Will you regret this tomorrow?" 

"No, and I don't regret having sex with you, nor I regret having kissing you".

They stood like that in silence for a moment or two, then Alexander said:

"I like you, Thomas".

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also I was listening to Summer in the city by Regina Spektor when I wrote this.

**Author's Note:**

> Translation for the Spanish part:  
> 1."You are an idiot, did you know that?"  
> 2\. "You are an idiot but I like you and I hate you for that. The worst part is that even if my life becomes a hell, I can't imagine it without you in it; just the idea of not looking at your stupid face is unbearable to me. So please, give me another chance".


End file.
